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For your review (03)

Lots of Christmas decorations at work- did a little tree trimming party on Thursday, and tonight the main building also had a mini party of sorts. Nice! There's supposed to be a bigger party organised, but I don't think I'll be going: far away (no car), and it's the MTV party, so not just Nick.
I think I prefer the mini offices party anyway :)

Today was the Avatar panel at the NY anime fest. I can't wait to hear-see reviews and pictures!!

And...well, you guessed it- more reworked pages:

An interesting exercise: edited a lot of dialogs, and the last two pages used to be just one page. It breathes better now. I think.
As usual: corrections, grammar and all- tell me if something is off.


( 21 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 8th, 2007 05:29 am (UTC)
Besides the obvious visual treat of clean lines and open layouts, what I enjoy most about this story is that you can still see Zhao's scheming, imperialist bastard traits shining through. He's got no memory, and yet he's *still Zhao* through and through. I could easily see this story sliding neatly into the canon Avatar universe, it's so well-constructed.
Dec. 8th, 2007 05:43 am (UTC)
Slightly cleaner lines anyway ;) Still rough pencils, but it's fun to work that way.
It's hard to have Zhao keep his "Zhaoness"- I hope this works. As he tries to build his place back into the tribe and wanting to help, he's ready to go and walk all over other people's lands in order to do so.
Dec. 8th, 2007 05:42 am (UTC)
I like how Zhao still has a Fire Bender's mentality--ready to strike out and take action.
Dec. 8th, 2007 05:45 am (UTC)
Gotta like that about Zhao- he doesn't let anything stop him. He tries and tries again until he suceeds (or fails miserably).
Too bad his ideas clashes with the Water Tribe's philosophies.
Dec. 8th, 2007 06:51 am (UTC)
The hammer in the smiting panel on pg 19 looks a bit awkward, like it should be oriented upper right to lower left, don't know if thats really editable considering the placement of the text/ the movement you were going for.

Pg 21 panel 2: 'But I think I've figured out the most important (one/ memory)' or less awkwardly, 'But I think I've figured out something important.'

Pg 21 panel 2: 'Tomorrow I will present a plan to the council of chieftains' sounds less passive

Pg 22 panel 2: 'Most of it still lies (lays?) unclaimed by any nations.'

Pg 23 panel 3: You could break up the phrases better with '!' rather than commas to keep their effect sharper rather than blunted. I'd chose the second text bubble, 'We must make the first steps! Take charge of our future!'

But aside from those minor edits, much love for the pages :3 Especially that zoomed in reflective panel, he looks especially good looking XD

Dec. 8th, 2007 07:21 am (UTC)
Did a bit of cosmetic surgery on the hammer- It did look slightly akward. Changed the angle a bit, but the word bubble was a bit in the way. It looks straighter now.
Did all the text edits as suggested. Many thanks for that, it does read better. Me and my clunky dialogues skills, feh!
The corrected version will appear on DA.
Many thanks again-heh, while I redo the pages, I do try to make Zhao look better when possible. He is soooo picky about his appearance I tell you.

Edited at 2007-12-08 07:22 am (UTC)
Dec. 8th, 2007 02:48 pm (UTC)
I like how Zhao still Zhao even when he can't remeber a single thing about his past. You've definately nailed the character down here. :D
Dec. 8th, 2007 06:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. That is what I was hoping to achieve. So glad to see it works. :)
Dec. 8th, 2007 02:57 pm (UTC)
Comics ♥ I like the way it's progressing.
Dec. 8th, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
Expect a few other changes, twists and turns from the first version :)
I can't believe I'm still having fun with this.
Dec. 9th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)
^_^ That's the important thing, right?
Dec. 8th, 2007 03:03 pm (UTC)
On the last page, I'd hyphenate "non-aggressive," and I would have suggested "most important thing," but aexds1 got everything else I might've said!

Poor Zhaoka. He wants to help his tribe. He wants to be a shining hero, getting praise and finally "fitting in." He wants to take action! Now! Burning bright! And gets it... just a little wrong. Trying to help and getting smacked in the face... double pain -- "we don't need that help, bad Zhaoka" plus "you are not a hero."

Poor bastich.
Dec. 8th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
Correction made with the hyphen and hey, I had also mispelled "aggressive", so that's corrected too.
After some debating and reading lines out loud, I stayed with Alexds' suggestion. Both worked very well, but I had to choose one (and I was being lazy ;) ).
Haha, you totally understood Zhao's motivations. If he does something for the tribe, erase whatever mistake he's done, maybe people would talk!
Neh, wrong tactic Zhao. Too bad, it's the one thing he knows how to do well.
Dec. 8th, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC)
Yay, parties! I like them of any size, but yeah, the more intimate, the better.

Emru was supposed to review the NYAF since he was at Pratt the day before lecturing. He had to fly back suddenly on Thursday, and boy is he down. Bad enough he couldn't enter the voice-acting contest because he was a Canadian...

Dec. 8th, 2007 06:38 pm (UTC)
Even during big huge parties, you always end up with a small group of people to hang out with anyway :)
Awwwr...Poor Emru! I feel his pain. Hope it was no big emergency that made him return suddenly.
And shoot about that rule for the voice acting contest!
Dec. 8th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
I like smaller parties too. ^_^

I'm loving the new pages! Oh Zhao! My heart flutters every time the ruthless bastard in you peeks out.
Dec. 8th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
Yeah- easier to mingle in small parties.
Haha, it's nice that Zhao's inner ruthless bastard side tends to peek out a lot :D
Dec. 9th, 2007 12:08 am (UTC)
Lovely to read! Great stuff. Thank you!
Dec. 9th, 2007 01:21 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading these pages :)
Dec. 10th, 2007 01:23 am (UTC)
just spelling
panel 3 of page 21

independence instead of indepence

other than that, it looks good
Dec. 10th, 2007 03:29 am (UTC)
Re: just spelling
Thanks so much for catching that!
Correction will be done and appear on DA.
( 21 comments — Leave a comment )

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