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For your review (01)

Took a small break to post these revised pages up. Need to return to work right after. Hurray for long weekends!!
(I want Drake's Fortune on PS3, and the first Death Note DVD is out- yay!)

Comments, grammar and text edits more than welcome. If all ok, I will post these on DA tomorrow. Pages 009 and 010 have already been posted mind you, as I felt confident enough I hadn't messed them up. Much.
Wanted to make a better intro of Pakku, Nauja and a few others that were quickly mentionned in passing.

Drawing a happy looking Zhao is sooooooo weird! Urgh.
Ah well, he'll be angry and dangerous again soon.
I don't know if some of it is too silly, but come on...baby turtle seals socks do sound darn comfy!


( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
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Nov. 21st, 2007 06:47 am (UTC)
Hahahah yes yes yes! That is beautiful and I'm so happy that you brought Nauja and the rest of her family into the picture early on! Amazing job!! :)
Nov. 21st, 2007 06:58 am (UTC)
Yeah, I felt that was missing. Looking back with things I introduced later on, I think it works better. It shows Zhao knew her well enough.
Oy! Should we do something next week with episodes 310-311 playing on Nick? Last new Avatar before 2008! Email me, we could plan something.
Nov. 21st, 2007 07:00 am (UTC)
The third page: "The Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom (still) prefer to trade with each other" other is singular.

And the last balloon by Arnook is a bit awkward. Perhaps "Looks like we both have stories to tell" or "Looks like we both have a lot to catch-up on." or "Looks like we both have to catch-up on events/our stories"

I don't remember Pakku coming back in the first version. Its fun.

Page 4: first panel, "Later" sounds more natural than "After".

I also like the inclusion of Nauja into the earlier parts of the story.
Nov. 21st, 2007 07:09 am (UTC)
Made the suggested corrections (they won't appear here, only on DA)
I took the "Looks like we both have a lot to catch-up on." line. Shorter, clearer.

Haha, the "after" was totally something from french, where I would say "Après".
Pakku was in the first version, but only for a few panels. He's going to reappear a bit later on in version 1, when Zhao returns after the Molebear hunt.

Edited at 2007-11-21 07:09 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 21st, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 21st, 2007 08:26 am (UTC)
Baby turtle seal socks sound extremely comfy! And the above pages look excellent.
Nov. 21st, 2007 08:42 am (UTC)
I bet baby turtle seals socks are comfy, the moment you take the shells away, of course.
Hmmm...I just realised that Pakku repeats himself. I'll have to change his dialog a bit.
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Nov. 21st, 2007 04:16 pm (UTC)
He's got big feet and needs lots of socks? I also told him to cut his toenails but he's stubborn.
Nov. 21st, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
I'm really liking the revisions!
(I didn't think it would be possible to like this even more?)

Aw man, Zhao's hurt is so palpable.
Nov. 21st, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you, glad the revisions work. It's sort of weird going back on certain things, but it will work better with what follows (we know the future!!). At least, I hope.
Zhao still has an enormous amount of pride. You don't mess with it. If he'd have a knife on him, Aatami would have gone down!
Nov. 21st, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)

Grammar-pedant to the fore!

p. 011: "each others" should be "each other"; technically, "less goods" might do a bit better as "fewer goods," but it's something of a judgment call. "Fewer" should be used when you can count the individual elements easily -- there are fewer cats in this room than in the kitchen. "Less" should be used when it's hard to count the individual elements, or there are no units available -- there is less cat food in Fido's bowl than there is in Fluffy's; there is less water in my glass than in yours; we have fewer ore spawns in Darnassus than in Mulgore, and so my Alliance characters have less ore than my Horde ones.

p. 011: Ah, "Zhaoka" -- is missing a period.

p. 012: *beth dies laughing* -- She's blushing! And not acting slightly huffy! Or even, "Zhaoka! You know I'm married, you flirt!" Does that mean that she actually kinda likes him? And/or is not really keen on her husband and is therefore flattered by the attention, despite being too proper to actually do something inappropriate?

p. 013: "We're not his family," -- the comma there should be a semicolon, a dash, or a period. Otherwise, alas, it's a comma-splice. (When both comma-separated sides of a sentence could be sentences on their own, using a comma is almost always wrong.)

...Awwww, poor Zhaoka. Having his nose rubbed in the freebies. (And it does seem that if Nauja is/was fond of her husband, he's doing his best to wear that fondness thin with his temper and jealousy. What, does he want turtle-seal socks?)
Nov. 21st, 2007 04:28 pm (UTC)
011: So that's the difference between the use of less and fewer! I switched back to less, for I hope the Water Tribe has more than a few easy to count objects to trade.
Period added after "Zhaoka" (thanks to your good eyes!)
012: It's a mix of feeling a certain flattery, but who in the Water Tribe wants to receive compliments by a Fire Nation man? She's on the edge of being embarassed.
Nauja's marriage was an arranged one. It is not a perfect perfect marriage, but she's not complaining. Her husband has been good to her. More mention of that at some point.
013: And another rule of grammar I didn't know and will probably forget knowing my tiny memory. Will change for a period.

Zhao loves his freebies. And who wouldn't want Turtle Seals line of clothing? Them's comfy!
It's going to take more than a slight jealousy, "stay away from my wife" outburst to wear down Nauja's fondness of her husband.
(no subject) - archangelbeth - Nov. 22nd, 2007 02:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 21st, 2007 05:28 pm (UTC)
Wow.. Zhao is pretty sensitive.
Aggressive sensitive.

I just bought sum Asterix and Tintin comics, and thought of you.
Because you draw, like, European style comics, like, good youknow.

Nov. 21st, 2007 05:37 pm (UTC)
Agressive-sensitive...heehee! I suppose he is. With a higher dose of agressive (which he barely keeps in check- the man needs a hobby).
I grew up with European style comics- TinTin, Asterix, Lucky Luke and Spirou were the "basic" books you started with. Might have changed now, but they're still giants of the european comic industry.
Just don't read the last Asterix. It s%#**.
Nov. 21st, 2007 06:42 pm (UTC)
Just when I thought that Zhaoka couldn't get more loveable, he does his tantrums! Aww....

I like the Tintin-esque vibes coming from your comic, I loved tintin when I was a kid. :3
Nov. 21st, 2007 08:00 pm (UTC)
He's got a lot of bottled up anger- he needs to go on a killing spree or something.
Grew up with the TinTin books, so I wouldn't be surprised if I was influenced.
Maybe a bit too much.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
(no subject) - alexds1 - Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:15 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - queen_marshed - Nov. 22nd, 2007 06:53 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 22nd, 2007 04:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Nov. 21st, 2007 11:45 pm (UTC)
I know- happy Zhao is an oddity in the Universe. Balance is usually restored pretty quickly.

Hehe, I would totally see Zhao going into angry fits like Captain Haddock- I just don't know how he swears in English. I'm only familiar with the french version
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(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 22nd, 2007 04:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:20 am (UTC)
Loving these revised pages, the detail I liked most was his good posture at the top of pg 12, you just can't take the admiral out of the guy ;)

Ahh, Zhao. I'll make free socks for you anytime <3
Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:44 am (UTC)
Great eye! I didn't think anyone would notice him strutting around.
He just might take your offer on free socks, especially if you throw in a free scarf.
Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:27 am (UTC)
I read all that you have so far and cannot tell you enough how much I love it. I wish it was canon. Call me a crazy shipper but am I the only one who sees NaujaXZhao?
Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:48 am (UTC)
You crazy shipper you ;) Come on, she's married! And Zhao is too selfish and self centered.
It would never work.
Not that it ever stopped any crazy shippers, right?
(no subject) - youkaislayer - Nov. 22nd, 2007 05:50 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 22nd, 2007 06:15 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - archangelbeth - Nov. 22nd, 2007 02:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rufftoon - Nov. 22nd, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Nov. 23rd, 2007 06:51 am (UTC)
IMO, it works. i think you did a beautiful job. ;-)
Nov. 23rd, 2007 08:43 am (UTC)
Many thanks. It does feel a bit weird seeing the new version- it is a different pace and all. More changes coming up!
Nov. 30th, 2007 05:32 pm (UTC)
(just a random stalker, pay no attention)

Excellent job! Especially page 14, Zhao looks just like a kid throwing a tantrum. It made me smile, despite the fact that I'm not even his fan.

And I guess you know that the name "Aatami" is the Finnish version of "Adam"? :D *from Finland with love o/*
Nov. 30th, 2007 09:27 pm (UTC)
Hehe, Zhao IS just like a big spoilt kid who wants everything (fame, fortune, glory...cake!)
I didn't know Aatami meant Adam- it was a nameI caught on the news- a inuit was speaking, and I needed a name right there and then. Guess there was a bit of influence from Finland after all :)
Nov. 30th, 2007 11:16 pm (UTC)
I'm going to friend you so I can keep track of Water Tribe updates. :)
Dec. 1st, 2007 12:12 am (UTC)
Welcome aboard! The updates will appear here and on DA.
But when I start part 4, it will be exclusive on LJ for a while.
Dec. 1st, 2007 04:18 am (UTC)
Added to friends for Water Tribe updates!
Dec. 1st, 2007 06:04 am (UTC)
Welcome aboard!
Most of these updates will be corrections to part 1 and 2- plus part 4 at some point. Final pages will also be posted on DA at the noselfcontrol Zhao club.
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